"Push aside the expectations of others and instead focus on the appreciation of what you've accomplished. If you believe in it, then that's all the truly matters..."
F.L.Y. ~First Love Yourself
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For a long time in my life I didn't believe I could do most of the things I wanted to do.
As a child I wanted to be a doctor cause even as a young child I had a passion for helping people, but growing up something altered my mind making me feel like I wasn't good enough to become one. I knew that I wanted work hard as a teenager to move myself out the hood and do better for myself, but my family wouldn't allow me to work they wanted me to finish school and just focus on being a child....During those years I chose the wrong paths and done a lot of the wrong things somethings to this day that I'm not proud of and which completely took me off track. I knew and still know to this day that I want a relationship but have had some difficult ones that has left me scared to even love again. I fear that now if I get into one I'm gonna do something to mess it up. I have always wanted to be a writer, but I thought it was far to difficult to get published and didn't know where to start. Here is my starting point and I'm 26 years age.
Maybe you've never been as unsure of yourself as I used to be, but you can likely relate to the feeling of wanting to do something but feeling terrified to start. As I've truly learned this not only limits your potential in life; it also minimizes your ability to make a positive impact on the world around you.
There's a lot that goes into overcoming your fears. You may need to challenge limiting beliefs formed years ago, or take yourself out of a situation where other people undermine your abilities. One thing that has helped me and will definitely help you is working on your confidence.
Not sure if confidence can be learned? I often asked this question in my days of battered self-esteem but have found a solution. I feel that it's something that has always been there, something you're born with that gets lost along the way, or stolen by others which seemed to be my case. Sometimes you have to dig deep to find it again.
1. Tap into the confidence you were born with.
You didn’t come out of the womb unsure of your cry or insecure about your large umbilical cord. You came out blissfully unaware of external judgment, concerned only with your own experience and needs. That’s not to say you should be oblivious to other people. It’s just that it may help to remember confidence was your original nature before time started chiseling away at it.
Once you developed a sense of self awareness, you started forming doubts and insecurities about how other people saw you. You learned to crave praise and avoid criticism—and maybe you started getting down on yourself if you got more of the latter than the former.
When you start feeling unsure of yourself remember: we were all born with confidence, and we can all get it back if we learn to silence the thoughts that threaten it.
2. Know your strengths and weaknesses.
As you learn who you are, you gain confidence in your strengths and also learn your weaknesses. Learning who you are doesn’t happen overnight. For one thing, it can be hard to know which parts of you are you, and which parts are who you think you should be.
A good start is to identify your strengths and weaknesses and then weigh those against what you enjoy. It might help to list five things you do well that you enjoy, and five things you’d like to do well. Make an effort to utilize some of the first list and work on some of the second every day. As you use your strengths and improve where there’s room to grow, you’ll develop both confidence and fulfillment simultaneously.
3. Expect Success.
"Confidence comes from success…But confidence also combines another quality because you can be successful, yet lack confidence. It requires a mental attitude shift to an expectation of success. And this alone, can bring about more success, reinforcing the confidence. It spirals from there."
It might seem strange to say expect success since you can’t predict the future, but don’t we do the alternative all the time? Have you ever gone into a stressful situation assuming the worst—that something would go wrong? Conventional wisdom suggests it’s smart to expect the worst because you won’t be disappointed if you fail and you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you succeed. Find the successes in every day and you’ll notice over time that they increase.
4. Trust your capabilities.
"Confidence comes not from knowing you know everything, but from knowing you can handle what comes up."
No one in the world knows everything. Everyone is good at some things and not so good at others. Don’t weight your security against what you know or can do; weigh it against your willingness and capacity to learn. If someone criticizes you, take it is an opportunity to improve. If someone does better than you, see it as an opportunity to learn from them. If you fall short at something, realize you can get closer next time. Don’t be merely confident in what you can do now—be confident in your potential.
5. Embrace the unknown.
Confidence comes from a space of humility. It is spawned when we dare to see the world through an alternate lens. It grows when we have the courage to embrace the experience of the unknown and the unknowable. People often think confidence means knowing you can create the outcome you desire. To some extent it does, but this idea isn’t necessarily true for anyone. No matter how talented, smart, or capable you are, you cannot predict or control everything that happens in your life.
Even confident people lose jobs, relationships, and even their health.
Confidence comes from knowing your competence but acknowledging it’s not solely responsible for creating your world. When you take that weight off your shoulders and realize that sometimes the twists and turns have nothing to do with what you did or should have done, it’s easier to feel confident in what you bring to the table.
6. Take risks.
Confidence is a funny thing. You go out and do the thing you’re most terrified of, and the confidence comes afterwards. If you always do things as you have always done them of course you won’t feel confident.
I was highly insecure of relationships as a teenager and the beginning of my adult years. I had been through a lot of things, seen and perceived a lot of things about relationships that had me hopping from one to the next. partly to avoid getting close to anyone which after looking back was a big mistake. Then all of a sudden it hit me, I realized the only way out was through. I’d never be good at relationships if I didn’t jump in, get messy, and learn what to and not to do. I had to crawl, walk, fall, and repeat to get comfortable with vulnerability and conflict. I made tons of mistakes, and a lot of it hurt. But I live a peopled life now, and it’s worth all the discomfort it took to get here.
7. Learn to receive praise.
It’s amazing how easy it is to believe all the negative things people say and yet discredit the positive. Taking a compliment is an art. Sometimes, it’s instinctive to assume they’re just being nice or that maybe you aren’t really skilled—you just got lucky.
Occasionally this may be true, but for the most part you earn the praise you receive. Don’t talk yourself out of believing it. Instead, recycle it into confidence. You did a fantastic job on your project at work—that means you can do it again. You had an amazing performance---that means you can trust you’re talented. Other people want you to succeed; now you just have to believe them when they show you you’re worthy.
8. Practice confidence.
It can be practiced and with that practice you will get better. Like anything else in life, your confidence will improve with practice. A great opportunity to do this is when you meet new people. Just like if you were the new kid in school, they have no idea who you are meaning you have an opportunity to show them.
As you shake their hand, introduce yourself, and listen to them speak, watch your internal monologue. If you start doubting yourself in your head, replace your thoughts with more confident ones. Ask yourself what a confident person would do, and then try to emulate that. Watch your posture and your tone. Hunching and mumbling will make you feel and look less confident, so stand up and speak slowly and clearly. People are more apt to see you how you want to be seen if they suspect you see yourself that way.
Over the years I have learned these things periodically and put them to use but it took me a long time to know how to put all of these things together and make them work for me. Now, remember you are capable and worthy just as much as anyone else, regardless of what you have and have notachieved. Regardless of what mistakes you have made. Knowing that is the first step to believing it in your heart. Believing it is the key to living it. And living it is the key to reaching your potential.
“With realization of one’s own potential & self confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” ~Dalai Lama
